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Archive for July, 2010

HEY YOU GUYS!!!! Baby... Ruth?

Dear Pat Riley, LeBron James, Dwayne Wade, Chris Bosh, and anyone else in the Miami Heat organization whose attention I can attract:

Pick me.

I know you don’t have your entire roster solidified for next season, and you’re in need of a few valuable assets to round out the team.

Pick me. Sign me. You need me.

No, my basketball skills are nowhere near that of anyone else in the NBA, though I know some players average about 2 minutes a game and make millions of dollars. I am aging by NBA standards. I’m not exactly. “In Shape”. I can’t dunk. I’m not particularly fast.

I do however, play some street ball and am more or less familiar with the basics of Basketball. And I can definitely dribble up court and dish the ball to one of the “Big Three” that you now have on your team. Though let’s be honest – You don’t need me on the floor, you need me on the bench. You need me as part of the organization.

Here’s why you need me: Now that you’ve acquired a team that at the very worst should have a cakewalk to the NBA Finals, if not the title, everyone in the free world outside of Miami hates you. What you need is a PR move, a feel good story that everyone can get behind, and bring the fans and the media back to your side.

I’m that PR move. I am sure you’ve seen the clip of the autistic high school kid hitting 20 points for his team.

(If you haven’t: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p6cOp6EDFlI)

I’m not autistic, nor am I handicapped physically or mentally (not officially, anyway) but to have me on your team would still have a similar effect. Something you don’t see everyday that people can root for. An out of shape 30-something white guy who has no business on an NBA court. Hell, I’m not even an NBA fan, but if you don’t think that an NBA arena won’t go nuts when you put me in with the team already up by 30 in the 4th quarter, you’re mistaken. My mere name being called would send the building into a frenzy, and god forbid I actually make a shot. I would be living the dream of practically every NBA fan out there (Most NBA fans are white and unathletic!) and every one of them could see a little part of themselves in me.

Average NBA Fan

Here’s what I can bring to the table:

I will work for the league minimum, because I don’t think I would be allowed to take nothing, which I would do if I could. HOWEVER – I will donate my entire salary to the Boys and Girls Club of America.

I am from Schenectady, which is the same city Pat Riley is from. People in this city already adore Mr. Riley, but hey – why not add a little something to the hometown hero’s resume’?

Schenectady also happens to be in the state of New York. Sure, New York fans are temporarily annoyed that LeBron turned them down (Can you really blame him?) but as soon as there is a New Yorker on that Heat roster, well… let’s just say… have you heard of a little thing called 9/11? New Yorkers tend to rally to support eachother. It’s kind of a big deal.¬†Once you have New York in your pocket, you have the media networks, and then – most of the world on your side.

Once I am on your team, you will have undone the damage caused by “The Decision” and most of the other ill-will being felt towards the Heat in general. The trick will be maintaining that positive emotion, because as Cleveland fans have shown us, you can go from hero to zero awfully fast. Feel free to have this list of things I will not do put into my contract, under penalty of death. Or at least penalty of having to sleep in the laundry basket after a game. Which probably would result in my death. What size socks does The King wear, anyway? Moving on…

I promise to not do any of the following: Pinky swear even.

1. I will not bet on any sporting events. I will absolutely under no circumstances bet for or against the Cincinnati Reds. You know what? I won’t do any gambling of any sort.

2. I will not chew anyone’s ear off. Nor will I get any facial tattoos. We’ll call this the Tyson rule.

2a. I will not rape anyone.

2aa. I will not sexually harass, abuse, or assault anyone. In fact, I will stay abstinent the entire time I am on the Heat roster. (The Kobe Corollary)

3. I will not use steroids, HGH, or any other sort of growth hormone. I’ll also avoid any sort of processed meats, just in case.

4. I will not have a god awful television show. And if once I retire from the NBA I do decide to have a TV show, I assure you it will be better than the Magic and TO shows combined. In fact, we might be able to get that autistic kid to do a show better than those guys.

While we're at it, I will also never pose with Rachael Ray.

5. I am an animal lover. There will be no dog fights, cat fights, chicken fights, or any other animal fights. I can make no promises about my bettas though.

6. I will not kill my ex-wife and her lover and flee in a white Bronco with LeBron driving. Everyone knows LeBron’s a shitty driver. I’ll get Bosh to do it.

7. And most importantly, under no circumstances, will I cut a rap album.

Look, if you put me on your team, I won’t even leave the arena. I can sleep in a janitorial closet. In fact, if you put me on the team, I’ll work as a janitor during the day, so you’ll get extra value!

After seeing how much value and goodwill I will bring to the franchise, it’s obvious you can’t afford NOT to pick me up. Remember, the Big Three may win you some titles, but if you want a place in history, you need to kick up your media hype and PR campaign, otherwise you may as well have never bothered winning a championship at all (San Antonio who?). I will make you immortal! I’ll await your offer sheet.

No one in the universe other than San Antonio Fans know who these guys are. But those six fans will never forget them.

-LAG

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